I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
