Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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