I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
