Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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