The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I enjoy the company of your penis
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
