and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
