I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
