You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
