Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
