I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize