Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
