What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
