for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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