Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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