Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize