if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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