dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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