I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
