The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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