I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There are leaves in my underwear?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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