Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
