just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I think my moral compass just broke
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
