saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
