It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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