Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
