I think I won the penis lottery.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
