Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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