You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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