Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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