I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
