just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize