You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
