i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
