If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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