I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just tell him i said nine months
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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