how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
