She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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