It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
