In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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