My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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