I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
