You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
