I think my fart just growled at me.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
