i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
