we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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