I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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