I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
