im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
