I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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