he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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