I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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