Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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