there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
