I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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