We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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