I just cut my nipple shaving
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
