A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
