My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
