i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
